It’s Your Breath
I wasn’t feeling very flexible today. I am wrapping up a work trip, full of joy and excitement as well as a bad case of imposter syndrome. This week has been a huge reminder of how little control I have over my own life, and before you disagree let me explain!
A piece of the ceiling above could fall on my head right now and kill me instantly, I have no control over that. Schizophrenia tears people apart, planes malfunction, bad things can happen through no fault of your own.
I missed my connecting flight in Atlanta, GA just now. And while it is incredibly dramatic of me to draw these two conclusions together, it makes sense. I sprinted across two terminals in my valet flats holding a 55lb suitcase above my head zig zagging up and down various escalators only to catch a glimpse of the gate door shutting with the last crew members inside.
My face felt completely flushed, I could feel the tips of my bangs collecting to my forehead from the moisture I created. My heart beat loudly all over my skin. I could only think of all the things that stood in my way of not being 30 seconds earlier. If only this stranger wasn’t in my way, if only the gate were closer, if only, if only, if only.
I stood around the empty for a moment, letting myself feel pissed off. And then began to collect myself as I walked back towards the drawing board. It was then my husband sent his apologies and then wished me good tidings.
As I cracked some emotion reading that reminder to enjoy the present, I walked up on a man playing a saxophone, my favorite instrument. Being pissed about a missed flight suddenly felt juvenile. I was acting like a crying type baby in the airport!!!! The horror!
Something I love about my husband is that he is exceedingly content always. He just be having a good time everywhere he goes. I have found that in my most negative cognitive moments, I was not in control (normal I know). But I am sitting here reflecting how I am never in control, even when I feel I am.
No matter how hard I work, how much of my energy goes towards a cause, at the end of the day I am not God.
Every day I am reminded of that sobering reality. I can’t heal loved ones no matter how much I want to, I can’t make time to faster or slower as I’d like to. All that I can do is control how I act and react.
Why would I choose to be unhappy during unpromised time! This trip is a blessing, three extra hours to meander an airport is a blessing having legs and muscles to sprint across an airport is a blessing. Breathing deeply is the biggest blessing of all!
XOXO
Han Burd
Such a good reminder! Love this